Do you ever wonder if you're on the right path?
If it's even possible for you to be on the path that you or God or life intended when any of a thousand tiny decisions you make each day could send you reeling off in a different direction, from which there is no return.
I sit and wonder what 8-year-old me would think of my life now. She would think my house is cool, my car is crap, my boyfriend is sweet, and my job is depressing. She would find it inconceivable that I haven't read an entire book in the past month, and she would wonder where all my friends are...I'd have to tell her they moved away and left me behind.
If I were to wonder what 18-year-old me would think, she'd wonder what happened to all my dreams. Why aren't I helping people, why am I still in the south, and why haven't I been to see my family in almost four months. I'd have to tell her that things come up, stuff happens... and she would tell me to suck it up and make it work. A mere four years ago, I was unstoppable. I didn't bend with the wind, I punched it in the face until it went around me. I miss that girl.
I miss the 8-year-old dreamer that thought she had magic turtle powers and wanted to grow up to be a toaster.
I miss the 18-year-old that knew things would work out if she fought hard enough.
I miss having options and not being afraid.
When you're in college, you have nothing but options. You can change your whole person with a change of major form, and with each semester of classes, you can be a different person. The semester I devoted myself entirely to literature courses, I became a philosopher, a seeker of knowledge who was filled with wanderlust. The semester I took ceramics, I became the earth goddess. I marveled at the small things in nature and studied the forms of the things I created.
But now the world says I need to pick something, and I'm terrified I've chosen wrong. If you choose wrong in college, you have to deal with your mistake for one semester at the most. In life though, the choices you make can completely change your option list for years, if not forever.
I tell myself that the job I'm doing now is good because I'm still writing and I can pay my bills, eat and such for a year or two until I can try for the dream again.
What I'm really afraid of is getting stuck. Stuck in this town, stuck at my job -- both of which I love, but neither of which are what I want for the rest of my life.
I've seen too many scared people stay somewhere they didn't want to be, slowly but surely letting go of their dreams because it's hard to let go of something safe and it's easy to save your dreams for when you sleep. Only time will tell if I'm going to be another one of those sleepy dreamers.
This is a public plea, someone out there, please promise me that you will come whop me upside the head with a wiffle bat if I'm still working the same job in three years. I will thank you for it.
