Bad habits

I'm lazy.

I know we're all lazy to some degree. Save a few dynamos like my sister-in-law Beth who somehow both works and keeps a huge house immaculate. She also finds time to do all sorts of side projects like building, painting and selling birdhouses, jewelery, valentines day baskets, etc., and doing work at her church. She also always remembers to send birthday/anniversary/just-thinking-of-you cards/ thank-you cards, always perfectly on time of course; and is the most organized woman, financially and in every other way, I have ever met. But I have never been able to do any of those things, and despite a box full of thank-you cards and stamps on my bookshelf just a-waiting, I don't think I've sent a thank-you card since I was 10.

I think that if I had more drive, better self-control, I could be more like Beth, but I succumb to sloth every time.


Sloth's are cute, but unproductive.

I haven't vacuumed my house since I my new roommate moved in, which was almost five months ago. My room is a mess, as is the kitchen and other rooms of the house which I frequent and the majority of the mess is my responsibility. (My roommate is very neat, with the exception of an aversion to dishes, which I share and cannot blame him for. Fortunately he seems mostly indifferent to my newly acquired messiness as long as it doesn't directly affect him.) I used to be neat, annoyingly so even, but I also had smaller spaces of living to play with. But I have so much open space now... nearly 1500 square feet of it in my antebellum basement apartment. And it's so much easier to just clutter an area and move to a different one. I like my apartment, and love the rent and that I have space to stretch out and have company, but I hate that it's hard to keep up.

I hate being messy and having clothes on the couch, and the chair, and the dresser, and clean in the laundry basket. But I can't bring myself to take care of it all. I don't have all the time in the world, but I do have time. When I get off from work, I'm tired, but I could do productive things instead of relaxing with online TV until it gets dark or I have to go work/derby/do something. I could, and yet almost daily choose to do only a little, if anything at all. And I hate myself for it. I can do better... I will do better.


Always have I envied the people who get an assignment and immediately do it. They just do it. No waiting, no need for a deadline or pressure... they can just accomplish things. And then they're done. While I procrastinate (usually with excuses of "doing better work under pressure" or something equally lame). And I have a really bad habit of letting all my good habits fall away when one does. If I'm doing well, I'm doing REALLY well, with eating right and taking my vitamins, everything is in place, but If something happens and one thing falls away, like dominoes, everything falls down. And it is so hard to pick up all the dominoes in a set and then one-by-one replace them where they were... it's why very few people play dominoes.

So I'm a mess. I have a lot of self-destructive habits that need to be fixed, and I've found the mess to help me. I needed someone who didn't have everything all together to help whip me into shape. Why not someone with the golden glow of perfection like my loving Beth? Because a fattie doesn't want to take dieting advice from someone who's obviously never eaten anything. They won't be able to get it as well. Things that are habits for them are just that -- habitual, meaning they don't need to think about it. So how are they going to help me?


I will force-feed you a cheeseburger.

So J is my newly enlisted life coach, and though she may think she's unqualified, I think she's going to be amazing.... if nothing else, we're going to have some great stories to tell (much like the time we both got swine flu and went camping). I'm glad to be back, or at least trying to get back. And I'll keep updating on the journey.

Work day in Haiku

5 a.m.
Five more minutes please
It's too dark to go outside
This bra pokes my back.

6 a.m.
Giant stack of work
Calls: "Did you get my obit?"
Fax out of paper.

7 a.m.
Computer is slow
Photo loading takes too long
I will kill you Mac.

8 a.m.
Stupid broken clock
I thought it was 11
It's not even 9.

9 a.m.
I forgot breakfast
My stomach is eating me
Lunch in three more hours.

10 a.m.
"Put this on page one?
It's a religious brief."
-No, I won't, you loon.

11 a.m.
"Have you got my pic?
I haven't sent it yet."
-Of course, I'm magic.

12 p.m.
Went shopping for a car.
Guess women can't do that.
Asshole lost a sale.

1 p.m.
Afternoons are slow
Seth is being sarcastic
And my foot itches.

2 p.m.
Work can wait tonight
I'll get to it tomorrow
Adios suckers!

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I turned around and went home.

Do you ever wonder if you're on the right path?

If it's even possible for you to be on the path that you or God or life intended when any of a thousand tiny decisions you make each day could send you reeling off in a different direction, from which there is no return.

I sit and wonder what 8-year-old me would think of my life now. She would think my house is cool, my car is crap, my boyfriend is sweet, and my job is depressing. She would find it inconceivable that I haven't read an entire book in the past month, and she would wonder where all my friends are...I'd have to tell her they moved away and left me behind.

If I were to wonder what 18-year-old me would think, she'd wonder what happened to all my dreams. Why aren't I helping people, why am I still in the south, and why haven't I been to see my family in almost four months. I'd have to tell her that things come up, stuff happens... and she would tell me to suck it up and make it work. A mere four years ago, I was unstoppable. I didn't bend with the wind, I punched it in the face until it went around me. I miss that girl.

I miss the 8-year-old dreamer that thought she had magic turtle powers and wanted to grow up to be a toaster.
I miss the 18-year-old that knew things would work out if she fought hard enough.
I miss having options and not being afraid.



When you're in college, you have nothing but options. You can change your whole person with a change of major form, and with each semester of classes, you can be a different person. The semester I devoted myself entirely to literature courses, I became a philosopher, a seeker of knowledge who was filled with wanderlust. The semester I took ceramics, I became the earth goddess. I marveled at the small things in nature and studied the forms of the things I created.

But now the world says I need to pick something, and I'm terrified I've chosen wrong. If you choose wrong in college, you have to deal with your mistake for one semester at the most. In life though, the choices you make can completely change your option list for years, if not forever.

I tell myself that the job I'm doing now is good because I'm still writing and I can pay my bills, eat and such for a year or two until I can try for the dream again.

What I'm really afraid of is getting stuck. Stuck in this town, stuck at my job -- both of which I love, but neither of which are what I want for the rest of my life.
I've seen too many scared people stay somewhere they didn't want to be, slowly but surely letting go of their dreams because it's hard to let go of something safe and it's easy to save your dreams for when you sleep. Only time will tell if I'm going to be another one of those sleepy dreamers.

This is a public plea, someone out there, please promise me that you will come whop me upside the head with a wiffle bat if I'm still working the same job in three years. I will thank you for it.

People are going to think I have a thing for vampires, but this is funny.

My Roller Derby Team covered by The Commercial Dispatch

Rock 'n' Roller Derby



In the foreground, Sonja Webb of the new Tri City Derby Dolls roller derby team hoists her colorful cast at practice July 5 at Skate Zone in Columbus. Members practicing included, kneeling, from left, Hayley Gilmore, Megan Dareing, Kaitlin Davison and Tarina Trzebiatowski. Standing, from left, are Stephanie Gieseler, Marsi Hardin, Sarah Wilson, Lauren Lowrey, Jenny Sullivan, Misti Hudson, Coach Bruce Wright and Katie Coffey. About 20-25 women from around the Golden Triangle have joined the new Derby Dolls. / Luisa Porter

The Commercial Dispatch
July 10, 2010 6:13:00 PM
By Jan Swoope

Weaving, shoving, blocking, falling. So, maybe it's not every girl's idea of a fun sport. But a unique band of Golden Triangle women with heart, nerve and flare think roller derby might just fill the bill.

In three short months since their first interest meeting on Easter Sunday, the Tri-City Derby Dolls have armed themselves with an official logo, team T-shirts, a dues system, regular practice schedule, fundraiser plans and the all-important "derby names."

By day, they're mothers, nurses, college students, waitresses and chiropractic clinic workers. But two evenings each week, they strap on the quad-skates and gamely try on bits and pieces of their still-new alter egos -- like "Tarinasaurus Wrecks," "Molly Toff" or "She Who Must Not Be Tamed."

Megan Dareing ("Linchpin Luci") of Columbus is credited with getting the wheels rolling on the fledgling team.

"I'd joked around about it before. But I was watching the movie 'Whip It' with my boyfriend and said I'd start a team. The next day I thought, 'I can't turn back now,'" she said.

With the help of Facebook, e-mail and flyers, Megan spread the word. To date, about 20 to 25 women with varying levels of skating skill have shown real interest in the start-up team, which practices at Skate Zone in Columbus on Monday evenings and Skate Odyssey in Starkville on Thursday evenings.

One of those skaters is 23-year-old Jenny Sullivan, admiringly labeled "hardcore" by a few of her teammates. The New Orleans native, a self-described former "military kid," is experienced, having played street hockey, roller hockey and later ice hockey for several years.

"It takes a different kind of person," the Columbus resident said when asked about what it takes to embrace this aggressive sport. "It takes a lot of heart. The average person is not going to want to run into people and fall down all the time," she grinned.

On track, on stage

Roller derby is part fast-paced contact sport, part sports entertainment. In most leagues (there are about 500 worldwide), these high heels on wheels are encouraged to play up the camp or punk aspect.

Dressed out in striped socks, short pleated skirt, purple tights and nails to match at practice Monday, Jenny seems to exhilarate in the drills and games of "Red Light, Green Light," as the girls test their quick starts and stops.

"It's kind of a derby tradition that everybody dresses funny," she remarked. "I kind of want to get in the habit of wearing the short skirts now, I just want to go ahead and get comfortable with it."

The dress and derby names add a theatrical element for the participants that "normal life" may not afford, noted Megan.

Comes with the territory

Sonja Webb ("Sonja Blade") would normally be on the track with the others. For now, she's watching and cheering them on, sidelined with a broken arm, a souvenir from a previous practice. Ironically, it's the left arm; mimicking the pin-up style skater depicted on Tri-City's logo.

The medical assistant and mother of two from Columbus takes her injury in stride. It's the sixth broken bone for this 33-year-old who once raised horses with her dad.

"I was a veterinarian technician for six years, and that was a pretty tough job. At least here I don't have to worry about anything biting me," she laughed.

Boot camp

As the Derby Dolls organized, help came in the form of the Southern Misfits out of Hattiesburg. That roller derby team sent members up to conduct a boot camp.

"It was awesome," said Tarina Trzebiatowski ("Tarinasaurus Wrecks"). They gave us guidelines, told what we needed to do physically and how much dedication it would take to get to a point to ever compete. It was very empowering."

The Misfits introduced the Dolls to how the game (bout) is played and how to fall, and threw in some helpful hints -- like wearing two pairs of leggings to prevent "rink rash."

The Tri City team is coached by Bruce Wright.

"Good job, good job!" he praised Monday, as skaters wrapped up a drill in which they rotated at different offensive and defensive positions -- as jammers, pivots and pack members. During breaks, some girls do stretches, some leg lifts, and one, push-ups.

Bruce, 25, has lived in Columbus for about 10 years; he works with a landscape contractor and came to this coaching position through his friend, Megan.

"I told Megan I'd turn her marshmallows into freight trains," he grinned. "My goal is to keep them moving almost the whole practice. ... This team is a family; that's what I try to inspire in them."

Open door

The Dolls encourage anyone interested to watch a practice to see if the sport appeals to them. E-mail tricityderbydolls@gmail.com for details. "You don't even have to have skates; you can rent those from the rinks," Megan said.

The group hopes to be ready for a scrimmage with "fresh meat" (beginning players) from another league -- perhaps from Hattiesburg, Jackson or Birmingham, Ala. -- within six to 12 months.

Megan explained, "We'd eventually like to find a practice space that we could rent-to-own, maybe; a place dedicated for our practice and actual bouts." For now, dues of $20 per month per member help pay for facility rentals. Sponsorships from supporters would be most welcome.

"This sport is really fun and gives us a chance to work out our frustrations. We're Southern ladies but this gives us a chance to be a little bit more dangerous," Sonja said, with a hint of mischief.

Jenny summed up, "When will we ever get the opportunity to do this again? I guess we could all pick something like golf or tennis or swimming ... but it's not nearly as colorful."